The New Bases of Sexual Conquest

At 2:30 this afternoon the Office of the Surgeon General issued a statement that due to the recent increase in sexual activity among high school and college students, they have been left with little choice but to update the archaic four bases of sexual conquest. At this time, this is what we know. First base has been removed because it is now seen as a given and will be referred to as "Walking to the Plate". Second base will now move to first base. The base formally known as second, will be shared by third base and home plate, since one almost definitely leads to the other. Also grinding and dry humping will make their debut at second base as well. Getting to third base will now mean that you have invited in a third partner. There is an unconfirmed report saying that an infield triple means you have invited in a third partner, but can only watch. Once again, that is an unconfirmed report. However we do know that to keep it interesting, they plan on keeping what happens when you get to home plate a tightly guarded secret. And the only ones who will know about it is your older brother, his friends, and that new slut in school.