I guess it's officially the day after, but I wanted to jot down what I got.
I got 2 Chris Pureka CDs, an Alex Parks CD, one by The Distillers, and the soundtrack to An Awfully Big Adventure. I got Office Space, Rocky Horror, and Victor/Victoria, two pairs of kickass socks, a labradorite pendant, and a ATI TV tuner card, and pjs. Wheee! <3
We got mom a teddy bear and earrings, 2 Rolling Stones CDs, a book on Queer Youth, massaging slippers, socks, a cell phone headset, a giftcard for Penneys, coffee from Barnies, and... uhm... hm.
Shawn got Rocky Horror also, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Foamy, a T-shirt, a Green Day CD, Madonna CD, Nickelback CD, cassette adapter, an ergonomic keyboard, socks, boxers, and... hm. That's all I can remember. Long day.
But it was so awesome.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Dear Diary,
I never write like this anymore, but I think I need to.
My finals are over. I'm sitting here listening to Fiona Apple, I was listening to Loren's version of Paper Bag, just to hear her voice. Each of these songs has a memory. Limp is the bedroom in the apartment before Loren came in to sleep with me, the iPod balanced on the arm of the sofa bed. Limp is driving down mainstreet in Greenfield with the music up and the windows down while Loren was in at her therapists. Fast as you can was escape, running away and running back, it was rushing back to the Allen's after Loren dissociated in the apartment, it was getting lost in Vermont. It was trips to town and warning signs.
I wish I had my Blackberry Schnapps, the schnapps I bought with Loren, the schnapps we got piss drunk on and then fucked for hours in a haze. I want it now to cut the pain. I want it to remind me.
I wish I'd never agreed to go out with Ashley. I'm only hurting her. I can't say I'm hurting myself, because I was hurt before and I'll still hurt after.
I realize now that I've only been in love once, and that was with Loren. I had thought I was in love many times prior to her, but I wasn't. If I've gained anything from this, it's the knowledge of what loves feel like. To love, and to be loved, completely. I just wish that love was enough.
I never write like this anymore, but I think I need to.
My finals are over. I'm sitting here listening to Fiona Apple, I was listening to Loren's version of Paper Bag, just to hear her voice. Each of these songs has a memory. Limp is the bedroom in the apartment before Loren came in to sleep with me, the iPod balanced on the arm of the sofa bed. Limp is driving down mainstreet in Greenfield with the music up and the windows down while Loren was in at her therapists. Fast as you can was escape, running away and running back, it was rushing back to the Allen's after Loren dissociated in the apartment, it was getting lost in Vermont. It was trips to town and warning signs.
I wish I had my Blackberry Schnapps, the schnapps I bought with Loren, the schnapps we got piss drunk on and then fucked for hours in a haze. I want it now to cut the pain. I want it to remind me.
I wish I'd never agreed to go out with Ashley. I'm only hurting her. I can't say I'm hurting myself, because I was hurt before and I'll still hurt after.
I realize now that I've only been in love once, and that was with Loren. I had thought I was in love many times prior to her, but I wasn't. If I've gained anything from this, it's the knowledge of what loves feel like. To love, and to be loved, completely. I just wish that love was enough.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
“I did not know who she was.”
Impress angles and etch, you single --
breasted. Suit and tie
your hands behind your back --
to reality. Full turn, sidestep, break
down.
Confess. Fists through the mirror
shatter wrists, IV bag held closed
your mouth and nose. You prayed
again to die alone, and overdosed.
Cracking --- rocking --- breaking
Sobbing -- watching you losing
you. Shake empty, vacant.
“I did not know who she was.”
Impress angles and etch, you single --
breasted. Suit and tie
your hands behind your back --
to reality. Full turn, sidestep, break
down.
Confess. Fists through the mirror
shatter wrists, IV bag held closed
your mouth and nose. You prayed
again to die alone, and overdosed.
Cracking --- rocking --- breaking
Sobbing -- watching you losing
you. Shake empty, vacant.
“I did not know who she was.”
Monday, November 21, 2005
20 facts about me
1. When I was little I had a birthmark on my left arm. Mom used to call it a strawberry patch or something, I think cause of the shape and color. It's faded by now.
2. I lost my first tooth by biting a rubber duck. Then I wailed.
3. When I was about 9 or so, I desperately wanted to play the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Even tho he kisses Christine. Should have realized I was gay back then.
4. I'm an English major, but I try to avoid excessive reading at all costs.
5. I wrapped the cables inside my computer with uv reactive wire wrap, and replaced the drive cables with rounded cables, and added a small uv light and sound sensitive flashing strobes. My brother cut a hole in the case. I now call it Compthedral.
6. I am in a serious, committed, lifelong obsession with Alan Rickman and Jason Isaacs. Yes, both of them.
7. When I was in Glastonbury, England, I fell on my ass in the mud on the Tor. That was fun.
8. In freshman year, my roommate annoyed me so much, I snuck onto her computer, stalked her internet history and disabled her connection. Later, I fixed it.
9. I admit, I find two attractive men making out to be arousing.
10. I procrastinate, but only on days that end in y.
11. My family and I got busted once for swimming in a no swimming zone. It was like a thousand and ten degrees outside and it was in Skaneatles lake. And we were seriously spoken to.
12. I have two tattoos. And each of them is very meaningful to me. The raven on my arm is representative of my affinity for ravens, and I got it when I did because it was after my grandmother's death and I no longer had to deal with my extended family. So the raven was a symbol of the death of that past, and the strength it took to get through. I have a bow and arrow on my chest, above my left breast, and I got that one because I always get so involved with people and I end up breaking my heart. This was just to remind me it's inevitable, it'll happen despite the best of intentions, and not to forget to really love people.
13. Every year almost without fail on Christmas day, I wake up ungodly early and check out the tree, poke stuff, and go wake mom.
14. Since freshman/soph summer, I've purchased 4 new iPods. My original 3rd gen, freshman/soph summer. Then soph year I got one for my bro for Christmas, 4th gen. Then I wanted a 4th gen, got one, gave mom the 3rd gen. Then my bro broke HIS iPod this year, I have him my 4th gen, and bought a 5th gen. I'm a consumer whore. This is my last one, I swear.
15. I enjoy decoupaging boxes. Yes, a lesbian who appreciates a pretty box. Big surprise.
16. I used to work at JCPenney. I hated my boss. Loathed her, really. And sometimes I would go into the store room and sit on this massage chair that was for some reason not on the floor, and just hide from her.
17. In highschool, I had the smallest inklings of a crush on my gym teacher. YES SHAWN, MS. WILSON. MOCK ME, GO AHEAD. I have my reasons. xD
18. I hate going to the dining hall. It's a long walk and there's lots of freshman, and often I'm just not hungry enough to care.
19. I enjoy archery. I like using the course in the woods at Pratts Falls and pretending I live in the wild, or that I'm a warrior, or I'm on the run or something.
20. I broke a toilet and a lamp in Dublin, Ireland. In the same room. Hooray for super klutz. (We had a running joke going about the lamp... I don't remember what it was tho.)
2. I lost my first tooth by biting a rubber duck. Then I wailed.
3. When I was about 9 or so, I desperately wanted to play the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Even tho he kisses Christine. Should have realized I was gay back then.
4. I'm an English major, but I try to avoid excessive reading at all costs.
5. I wrapped the cables inside my computer with uv reactive wire wrap, and replaced the drive cables with rounded cables, and added a small uv light and sound sensitive flashing strobes. My brother cut a hole in the case. I now call it Compthedral.
6. I am in a serious, committed, lifelong obsession with Alan Rickman and Jason Isaacs. Yes, both of them.
7. When I was in Glastonbury, England, I fell on my ass in the mud on the Tor. That was fun.
8. In freshman year, my roommate annoyed me so much, I snuck onto her computer, stalked her internet history and disabled her connection. Later, I fixed it.
9. I admit, I find two attractive men making out to be arousing.
10. I procrastinate, but only on days that end in y.
11. My family and I got busted once for swimming in a no swimming zone. It was like a thousand and ten degrees outside and it was in Skaneatles lake. And we were seriously spoken to.
12. I have two tattoos. And each of them is very meaningful to me. The raven on my arm is representative of my affinity for ravens, and I got it when I did because it was after my grandmother's death and I no longer had to deal with my extended family. So the raven was a symbol of the death of that past, and the strength it took to get through. I have a bow and arrow on my chest, above my left breast, and I got that one because I always get so involved with people and I end up breaking my heart. This was just to remind me it's inevitable, it'll happen despite the best of intentions, and not to forget to really love people.
13. Every year almost without fail on Christmas day, I wake up ungodly early and check out the tree, poke stuff, and go wake mom.
14. Since freshman/soph summer, I've purchased 4 new iPods. My original 3rd gen, freshman/soph summer. Then soph year I got one for my bro for Christmas, 4th gen. Then I wanted a 4th gen, got one, gave mom the 3rd gen. Then my bro broke HIS iPod this year, I have him my 4th gen, and bought a 5th gen. I'm a consumer whore. This is my last one, I swear.
15. I enjoy decoupaging boxes. Yes, a lesbian who appreciates a pretty box. Big surprise.
16. I used to work at JCPenney. I hated my boss. Loathed her, really. And sometimes I would go into the store room and sit on this massage chair that was for some reason not on the floor, and just hide from her.
17. In highschool, I had the smallest inklings of a crush on my gym teacher. YES SHAWN, MS. WILSON. MOCK ME, GO AHEAD. I have my reasons. xD
18. I hate going to the dining hall. It's a long walk and there's lots of freshman, and often I'm just not hungry enough to care.
19. I enjoy archery. I like using the course in the woods at Pratts Falls and pretending I live in the wild, or that I'm a warrior, or I'm on the run or something.
20. I broke a toilet and a lamp in Dublin, Ireland. In the same room. Hooray for super klutz. (We had a running joke going about the lamp... I don't remember what it was tho.)
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
I can't sleep
I said "strap-on" in class today. I actually said, "So according to that, if a lesbian likes strap-on sex, that makes her straight?"
I can't get over that. That whole class was devoted to like... anal sex.
Ahhhhh, LGBT Classes.
I can't get over that. That whole class was devoted to like... anal sex.
Ahhhhh, LGBT Classes.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
< rant >
Yesterday I was stuffing envelopes for work, and the girl sitting accross from me asked who she should vote for Mayor to support the expansion of the mall. Someone answered Joanie Mahoney. I commented that the mall project was a really bad idea. And she wanted to know why, asking in quite the prissy condescending tone. So I told her.
The expansion of the mall will cause many people's small family run businesses to not only go out of business, but be torn down. The Syracuse Antiques Exchange, Little Gem Diner, just to name two. In its place we'll have a golf course in a biosphere and a hotel so you can shop, sleep, wake up and shop more.
Prissy SU girl asks, so if we don't build the mall bigger, how else are we going to turn this city around?
"Say what?"
This city is slipping, I feel, so says Miss Priss.
Oh, you feel this? Do you? How long have you been here in total... what, two years? So the city is slipping. That's debatable. But what do you think the mall would do for the city? Everyone says it will make jobs. Do we even WANT the jobs it'll make? Low income jobs with no benefits. What, you think it'll attract new businesses... like factory jobs? More low income jobs, with little benefits.
And why do these assholes get a vote? You don't live in this county. Who cares what you think? You flounce into my city in your Prada shoes and Coach handbag, whine that there isn't a Prada store at the mall and how you miss your precious Macy's, hear a rumor that some big business men want to expand the mall, and your little ears perk up and you pat daddy's credit card. Yes, build a mall, preppy needs a new pair of shoes.
That's all we need. In a college town where people already think everyone at SU is filthy rich, just build us a mall so that we can feed the rampant capitalism, make the man richer, and continue to ignore the real reason people don't have jobs: the system of capitalism demands that it is so. YOU wear your Prada only because some people have to live marginalized, on the streets, begging for $.60 for coffee, which you deny them and laugh as you pass, jibing that you can't even afford your beer. Hypocrites.
I hope you fall over your pile of Gap shopping bags and choke in a mass of Coach purse straps.
The expansion of the mall will cause many people's small family run businesses to not only go out of business, but be torn down. The Syracuse Antiques Exchange, Little Gem Diner, just to name two. In its place we'll have a golf course in a biosphere and a hotel so you can shop, sleep, wake up and shop more.
Prissy SU girl asks, so if we don't build the mall bigger, how else are we going to turn this city around?
"Say what?"
This city is slipping, I feel, so says Miss Priss.
Oh, you feel this? Do you? How long have you been here in total... what, two years? So the city is slipping. That's debatable. But what do you think the mall would do for the city? Everyone says it will make jobs. Do we even WANT the jobs it'll make? Low income jobs with no benefits. What, you think it'll attract new businesses... like factory jobs? More low income jobs, with little benefits.
And why do these assholes get a vote? You don't live in this county. Who cares what you think? You flounce into my city in your Prada shoes and Coach handbag, whine that there isn't a Prada store at the mall and how you miss your precious Macy's, hear a rumor that some big business men want to expand the mall, and your little ears perk up and you pat daddy's credit card. Yes, build a mall, preppy needs a new pair of shoes.
That's all we need. In a college town where people already think everyone at SU is filthy rich, just build us a mall so that we can feed the rampant capitalism, make the man richer, and continue to ignore the real reason people don't have jobs: the system of capitalism demands that it is so. YOU wear your Prada only because some people have to live marginalized, on the streets, begging for $.60 for coffee, which you deny them and laugh as you pass, jibing that you can't even afford your beer. Hypocrites.
I hope you fall over your pile of Gap shopping bags and choke in a mass of Coach purse straps.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Colleen needs...
The Google Game. Go to the google search engine, type in your name and put needs after it (ex: "Colleen needs"). Make sure that its in quotes. Here's my list:
Colleen needs support to do some of her schoolwork
Colleen needs help to deal with her feelings of frustration
Colleen needs a hotel liaison
Colleen needs to provide details
Colleen needs to be in a race
Colleen needs to study her lingo during her free period
Colleen needs to work on her computer skills and speed
Colleen needs to know what your priorities are
Colleen needs to record and distribute her songs
Colleen needs help too!!!!
Colleen needs assistance with the literature table
Colleen needs an extra hook
Colleen needs a toe ring to go with those cute new sandals
Colleen needs more discipline
Colleen needs is a disco ball around her neck
Colleen needs no caption
Colleen needs it
Colleen needs you
Colleen needs support to do some of her schoolwork
Colleen needs help to deal with her feelings of frustration
Colleen needs a hotel liaison
Colleen needs to provide details
Colleen needs to be in a race
Colleen needs to study her lingo during her free period
Colleen needs to work on her computer skills and speed
Colleen needs to know what your priorities are
Colleen needs to record and distribute her songs
Colleen needs help too!!!!
Colleen needs assistance with the literature table
Colleen needs an extra hook
Colleen needs a toe ring to go with those cute new sandals
Colleen needs more discipline
Colleen needs is a disco ball around her neck
Colleen needs no caption
Colleen needs it
Colleen needs you
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Dance, Dance
She says she's no good with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out
"A joke of a romantic" or stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"
Vs. "no one should ever feel like.."
I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by
Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
You always fold just before you're found out
Drink up its last call
Last resort
But only the first mistake and I...
I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by
Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress, love
Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress (mattress, mattress)
I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me
Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
Dance, Dance
Barely stuttered out
"A joke of a romantic" or stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"
Vs. "no one should ever feel like.."
I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by
Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
You always fold just before you're found out
Drink up its last call
Last resort
But only the first mistake and I...
I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by
Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress, love
Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress (mattress, mattress)
I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me
Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
Dance, Dance
Thursday, October 20, 2005
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