So, wow...

I haven't been on this blog in freaking ages.

Good lord. There's sophomore stuff here. Maybe freshman, who knows?

God, what a time warp. lol.

Say hello to my next tattoo. Still needs a tail tho. 

"Music was the secret sanctuary of my soul; music was my god, the only master I would ever serve again." 

Possible future tattoo. Minus the anchor. :/ 

To your love

I want to be able to update MySpace and facebook again and put in that I'm single, as pathetic as that is. I look at the status, In A Relationship, and am startled by it every time.

I want to be able to write a list of what I'm looking for in a partner, and put it up as a reminder or a prayer, without worrying about her seeing it.

I want to be with someone I pursued.
Someone with blue eyes.
Someone who likes to cuddle.
Who will sing to me,
And whose singing will haunt me.
Someone who can spell
Or at the very least, makes an effort.
Someone who is quick to laugh.
Someone who likes poetry,
Who appreciates a poem sent via post
Written on red paper.
Someone who sees who I am
And loves it, rather than
Always trying to change me.
Someone who would be willing to try going camping,
Who likes to swim,
Who will lay with me on the beach
And watch the stars.
Someone who loves me more than their addiction.
Someone passionate and honest
Who is an amazing kisser,
Someone up for wild sex every now and then.
Someone who can tolerate my obsessions
And maybe even like them, for my sake.
Someone who can have fun at a park
On a swingset, barefoot at sunset.

Someone who loves me,
Whom I love in return,
And who wants to make it last.

Christmas

I guess it's officially the day after, but I wanted to jot down what I got.

I got 2 Chris Pureka CDs, an Alex Parks CD, one by The Distillers, and the soundtrack to An Awfully Big Adventure. I got Office Space, Rocky Horror, and Victor/Victoria, two pairs of kickass socks, a labradorite pendant, and a ATI TV tuner card, and pjs. Wheee! <3

We got mom a teddy bear and earrings, 2 Rolling Stones CDs, a book on Queer Youth, massaging slippers, socks, a cell phone headset, a giftcard for Penneys, coffee from Barnies, and... uhm... hm.

Shawn got Rocky Horror also, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Foamy, a T-shirt, a Green Day CD, Madonna CD, Nickelback CD, cassette adapter, an ergonomic keyboard, socks, boxers, and... hm. That's all I can remember. Long day.

But it was so awesome.

Dear Diary,

I never write like this anymore, but I think I need to.

My finals are over. I'm sitting here listening to Fiona Apple, I was listening to Loren's version of Paper Bag, just to hear her voice. Each of these songs has a memory. Limp is the bedroom in the apartment before Loren came in to sleep with me, the iPod balanced on the arm of the sofa bed. Limp is driving down mainstreet in Greenfield with the music up and the windows down while Loren was in at her therapists. Fast as you can was escape, running away and running back, it was rushing back to the Allen's after Loren dissociated in the apartment, it was getting lost in Vermont. It was trips to town and warning signs.

I wish I had my Blackberry Schnapps, the schnapps I bought with Loren, the schnapps we got piss drunk on and then fucked for hours in a haze. I want it now to cut the pain. I want it to remind me.

I wish I'd never agreed to go out with Ashley. I'm only hurting her. I can't say I'm hurting myself, because I was hurt before and I'll still hurt after.

I realize now that I've only been in love once, and that was with Loren. I had thought I was in love many times prior to her, but I wasn't. If I've gained anything from this, it's the knowledge of what loves feel like. To love, and to be loved, completely. I just wish that love was enough.